I’ve got some good news, and well, I’ve got some bad news..

“Gimme the bad first Doc, I can handle it”

*Deep Breath*

The Worst Thing

A bit of a history lesson right up top for you. Adidas, prominent athletic wear company, was founded by one Adolf Dassler, who, was at one point, a member of the Nazi Party. I tell you this to preface the fact that is now the 2nd most questionable aspect of the Adidas company now that they’re responsible for these:

These are just awful, they’re like Bobby Petrino’s terrible Angry Birds fan fiction.

CIWhXtRUcAA2fJQ

Oh.. Oh God, those eyes… it’s staring directly into my soul sensing my weaknesses as if it’s about to-

OH GOD IT’S SWOOPING IN OH GOD NO-CIWd69xUAAAZ_gN
NO NOO NO NO AHHH GODDD NO

2d

RUN!! FUCKING RUN! GO! LEAVE ME! RUUUN3d

WHY? WHY DID WE LET LOUISVILLE INTO THE ACC? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 4d

[This #goacc moment is brought to you by Papa John’s. Use promo code “Satanic Cardinal” and receive 66.6% off your next pizza order!]

The Best Thing

I disapprove of those Cardinals. Speaking of Cardinals and disapproving. Same-Sex Marriage. Today, the Supreme Court announced their decision and ruled in favor of nationwide same-sex marriage!  To some of you, this may not be “The Best Thing,” sadly, to some of you this may be “The Worst Thing.” I’m going to assume that if you think this is actually “The Worst Thing” then you probably think those Cardinal Unis are “The Best Thing.” So, you pretty much have everything pretty damn backwards. But, I’m not gonna let you get me going down the rabbit hole on a big rant tangent.

See, I could shame all of the horrible tweets and ignorance that I’ve seen, but no. Today is a positive day. Today is a day that will go down in history and will change the lives of a number of my close friends and family members as America just took the next step in making them feel accepted and loved, as they should.

Since today is a positive day, besides granting an entire group of Americans a basic civil right, we have also gained some fantastic tweets.

Some from celebrities:

 

Plenty of great ones from #brands


Also, this awesome kid

And I think we already know that Franky B is excited about it!

frankybeams

ERICKUMAH

Photo Courtesy of 247Sports

The 6’3″ 3-Star Wide Receiver is unlike any on the Hokies roster

Let’s talk ‘Crootin. Specifically, let’s talk about NEWEST VIRGINIA TECH HOKIE COMMIT WR Eric Kumah out of Forest Park High School in Woodbridge, VA. Late last week, the 6’3″ 205 lb receiver pulled the trigger and chose in favor of the Hokies over Maryland, Miami, Kentucky, and NC State. With his pledge, Kumah became the 2nd Hokies commit this month alongside Joshua Jackson, the Saline, Michigan QB prospect and longtime friend of Coach Scot Loeffler.

Kumah was on the Hokies short list.

Part of the reason Kumah was on the Hokies’ “short” list is because he isn’t. Kumah is a type of receiver that the Hokies don’t currently have on their roster.

By the numbers: The Hokies list 13 Wide Receivers on the 2015 roster: None taller than 6’2″. None heavier than 200 lbs. Kumah is listed at 6’3″ 205 lbs by 247Sports. 

The closest comparison the Hokies have is Joel Caleb who has not yet been able to solidify his position leaving the Hokies unable to benefit from his size in a pass catching role. Alongside Kumah’s size comes a speed, athleticism, and playmaking ability that has him ranked as a high 3-star prospect by 247Sports.

Pass catchers a priority.

Recent history has seen the Hokies pick up some studs out wide, but a stagnant offense for what has seemed like forever has created a priority for talent and playable depth at the skill positions. The Hokies are targeting a number of talented pass catchers in the 2016 cycle. Some names to know are Tino Ellis, Divine Deablo, Grant Holloway, and Ian Boyd

Who’s next?

The 2016 class is coming along with a number of big targets already on board for the Hokies. However, there is still a lot of work to be done and the Hokies are well-positioned for some players at positions of need at the top of the Hokies Board. Lucky you! because you will be able to read more on that in my next segment on ‘Crootin coming out in the next couple weeks. 

Hokies find Roth replacement.

Replacement may be a strong word as none could truly replace Mr. Roth, but Virginia Tech officially has a new voice. Mr Jon Laaser has officially been announced as the schools next ‘Voice of the Hokies.’ Laaser has spent the past 5 years calling Richmond Squirrels games as well as a number of other games in the Richmond area. You can check out some of his work from a VCU Rams basketball gameif you so desire to check out the velvety pipes of Mr. Laaser. I’ve heard nothing but positive things about Mr. Laaser and trust that he will do an excellent job alongside Mike Burnop and look forward to hearing him this Fall.

Now, that’s all well and good, but to more important matters. How do you pronounced “Laaser?” Well, good sources indicate that it is in fact pronounced “Laser” and that’s awesome and I’m 100% on board now.


This. Week. In. Florida.

This is a nice little segment I started last season and would include in my weekly roundups and, yeah, of course I’m bringing it back. Hell, I wish I had started a blog dedicated to Florida crimes, but I didn’t so I have to write about football first.

The most difficult part of this segment isn’t finding a bonkers story about a Florida Man/Florida Woman, it’s deciding which one. I knew this Florida was the one the second I saw this headline.

Yes.

So much YES.

First of all, excellent use of the word “smorgasbord.” Frankly, I like to think this was the Swede’s intention when creating the word.

Now let’s get to the article:

“A Gainesville woman was arrested on drug-related charges Sunday evening after a bulge in the crotch of her pants turned out to be a buffet of cocaine products.”

Buffet? Just platters on platters of various cocaine products in trays over little Sterno lamps, I assume.

“At about 6 p.m., an officer pulled over a 2005 Dodge Magnum in front of 700 NW Third St. when he saw it speeding, according to a jail booking report.”

2005 Dodge Magnum?

Oh, THAT’S what those things are called?

Speeding? Not sure I’d be speeding with a ‘buffet of cocaine products,’ how can you speed when you’re on your 3rd plate of cocaine products and you’re already getting full from the breadsticks. FOOLISH. The breadsticks are always a ploy to fill you up faster so you’re too full for the expensive stuff.

“The officer reported smelling burnt marijuana wafting from the vehicle as he walked over to speak with the driver.”

smh.

“The driver, 41-year-old Arthur Lee Clayton, told the officer he did not have any identification and gave the false name of Arthur L. Thompson, according to the report. Another officer showed up and remembered Clayton from a prior arrest. He was placed in handcuffs.”

Okay, a couple things.

1. WORST ALIAS EVER. You managed to change JUST your last name.

2. THE NEXT GUY REMEMBERED YOU FROM A PRIOR ARREST.

3. If you’re that prolific of a criminal you gotta have a better fake name at the ready.

“Davis, his passenger, agreed to a body search by a female GPD officer, but she fidgeted as the officer’s hands got closer to a suspicious bulge in the crotch of her pants, the report states.”

“Excuse me Officer, don’t mind my cocaine erection”

“Davis was handcuffed. The female officer resumed the search and found a prescription bottle containing 12 grams of crack cocaine; less than half a gram of higher quality, “wet” cocaine; 18 small baggies totaling five grams of powder cocaine; and another baggie containing three grams of MDMA, the report states.”

My compliments to the writer, that is a veritable smorgasbord and you did not overplay it one bit. Kudos.

“The location of the traffic stop — less than 500 feet from Mount Pleasant United Methodist Church — made the charges against Davis even worse.

She was booked into the Alachua County jail on two counts of cocaine possession with intent to distribute within 1,000 feet of a place of worship and possession of a synthetic narcotic within 1,000 feet of a place of worship. She also faces a charge of possession of drug equipment and resisting an officer without violence.”

1. Didn’t know the Church thing – good tip.

2. Different types of cocaine count as separate charges – noted.

That will do it for This Week In Florida and the first installment of ‘Crootin! Keep an eye out for more ‘Crootin in the future.